Ladies and Gentlemen, Capsule Computers would like to share a special article written especially for us by freelance editor, Scott Bullock. Scott will be throwing his opinions around on the latest video games from time to time and this is one he has shared with us today.
Nobody does Armageddon right anymore. That movie Legion failed hard, morons are freaking out about 2012, and now, even Heaven and Hell can’t seem to do it right.
Thus begins the epic tale told in Darksiders. A screw-up in the Judgment Day festivities leads to War, a Horseman of the Apocalypse, breaking some rules and getting smacked down by his bosses, 3 big stone heads with lava coming out of their mouths. Have you seen Aladdin? Remember the Cave of Wonders? Think that, but vomiting fire, and you’ve pretty much got it.
War, the stereotypical steroid-pumped big dude with a big sword, then has to fight everything in existence to prove that this wasn’t his fault, and to win back his powers, all because of some seal-breaking clerical error. By the way they made it sound, somebody didn’t file the TPS reports or something. So after starting the game with assloads of powers and beastly amounts of HP, I am suddenly forced to play a War so weak he can barely muster the force required to empty his bowls.
Okay, I don’t know if two examples of something makes it a trend, but didn’t we do this in Prototype as well? And wasn’t it really annoying then, too? Is the “start strong, then suck, build back up to strong” thing going to keep happening? I truly hope not…
Anyway, the Council (your bosses) saddle you with this demon-y looking guy named the Watcher, to make sure you stay on task. He lives in your hand. Somebody was hitting the bong when they came up with that idea. “And, like, there’s this guy… *bubble bubble bubble* *coughs*… and he totally like, lives in your hand.” At the same time, however, someone else was smoking the Genius Weed, because they decided to have Mark Hammil voice him.
Mark Hammil is 1000 times better as a voice actor then as Luke Skywalker. This is a scientific fact. Heath Ledger can suck it, Hammil is the best Joker the world has ever, and will ever, see, and he brings that (rather fitting) voice to the Watcher. Even though the Watcher is a massive crotch-stain, and you eventually (spoilers), Hammil’s voice alone was enough to make me like him.
That was badass freaking awesome event #1.
Soon after beginning the game, I came to a stunning realization. If you set a Zelda game in a post-apocalyptic world, and it went on a lovely date with Devil May Cry, but left it’s drink unattended, Darksiders would be the baby it couldn’t remember conceiving. Weapons like the Spinning Blade and the Demon Chain thing correspond very well to the weapons used in Zelda. Maybe a bit too well. It was almost like they thought, “What did Zelda have? Do we have that? No? Well, let’s put it in!” Thus badass realization #2 was a bit tainted.
Then, it was totally cleansed by the next badass realization, #3.
Nearing the end of the game, I had to release an angel held prisoner in a tower, but how to get to those hard to reach places?
The answer? Portal Gun.
That’s right. Darksiders is apocalyptic Zelda with a Portal Gun. That’s it. Game over. This game officially ranks in the top 5 coolest fricken games ever. I’m not sure what the other four are, but it’s in there somewhere.
Let us know what you thought of Scott’s review and also what you think of Darksiders. Good, Bad, UGLY ??Related Articles for this post below: